my journey

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I wrote this just now, inspired to write about why I am writing now, instead of dancing or teaching or doing everything else I used to do a lot of that I am no longer doing.

Last night, as I was reading through a blog I used to keep, I came across this section of an entry:

May 22nd, 2004

the thing about me is, i can’t seem to stay interested in anything. i go through these max 5-6 month obsessions over certain bands, hobbies, etc, and then find that i don’t like them anymore and quit. so it has been with hip hop dancing, guitar playing, and soon to be bellydancing. how sad. i think that part of the reason is that i suck at life and have no talent for anything. i think i like choir because it’s something that i’m not terrible at, and it’s fun. i don’t tend to have fun when i completely suck at things. i also don’t think i’ll be performing during the bellydance thing that’s going on next month, cuz kim decided not to, and i don’t feel comfortable performing without at least someone i know well doing it as well. blah. i have yet to find a talent, and thus have yet to settle down and continue on with something for more than half a year.

Earlier this summer, my brother, Ryan, pointed out to me that, the entire time I was exploring different activities, I was writing about them.

The entire time I was taking on 44 different dance styles — learning 13 simultaneously at every given time — I was writing about my learning process, and about life in general.

The one thing I never quit doing was writing, but because I saw writing as either work or a hobby — not as something I should actually be doing — I became lost and stayed lost, looking for something and not even knowing what I was searching for, when it was right in front of me.

If you have ever felt that way or still feel this way, please take the time to consider my experience carefully, and whether or not it might apply to you and what you are doing with your life currently.

my journey

I’m not
moving on to the next thing
but
going back
to the first thing —
the things that called out to me
when
i was too young to listen
and pursue it
and stick with it.

I’m not
quitting the things i worked so hard to achieve
but
working hard to achieve
the first thing that i quit.
that i quit because
it was too “impractical”
it wasn’t “admired”
it wouldn’t
make me money
in a world where
money is the most important.

because i know now that
people are more important
animals are more important
trees are more important
life, and living things, are more important —
that, the earth
that gives us everything we need to live
and that we live on
is the most important.

that the most important thing we can do is
to learn what we can do to protect it
and help it flourish
so that we may flourish
to discover what gifts we were given
and grow them
and apply them to helping
ourselves, others, and the world flourish
like flowers that start off as seeds
needing just the right care and conditions
to bud and burst open
to attract what they are meant to attract
and share what they are designed to share
be they ripe fruit, medicine, nectar, pleasant scent,
or simply beauty,
which is not so simple,
when we stop and really admire it
and not that unusual
when we stop and really look around
and take the time to examine everything as though it were beautiful —

when we do that
it becomes beautiful
because the only thing separating beauty from “ugly”
is our judgments —
and we were not judgmental until
society told us it was natural and normal
to judge and be judged.

when we realize that judgment should not apply to
seeing some as better than others
and some activities as superior to others,
we are free to be ourselves
and pursue whatever we love most
— what we were put here to do —
with no shame or embarrassment or hardship
or fear that we won’t “make it”
because everyone understands and appreciates that
we are all put here for different reasons
each one as meaningful and important
as the next.

FUCK comparing yourself to other people:
the only thing you should be comparing is
how much better you can make
your best.

I was searching for an image to end on like I always do, but went to choose a new song to listen to, and the song I had been listening to had changed to this one –Rufio – Face The Truth. It seems fitting, so I will end on it.

“Forget your past, and see what is now.
Even if you don’t want to, you gotta face the truth.
You gotta face the truth.”

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